I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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