the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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