I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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