Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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