i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
