I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
