i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
