I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
