she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
