stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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