Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
