I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
