Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
