a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
