The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
