Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
