Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
