the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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