I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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