it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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