Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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