he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
