Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
