Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
