it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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