i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
