More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
