just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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