I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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