So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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