I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
