I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I checked into jail on foursquare
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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