I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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