...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
