Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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