Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am mentally ready for anal.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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