So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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