wakey wakey hands off snakey
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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