you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
