I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
