wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
