i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
