i just wanna soil my oats bro
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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