My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize