It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
