I want to walk on stilts...naked
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
