My Higher Power is John Stamos
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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