WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
