I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
