Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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