the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
