i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
