my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
