Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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