the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
