no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
