1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
