Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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