My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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