I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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