Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
