He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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