I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
