Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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