sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
