My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
